HALF MY LIFE (Part Deux)

As I look back at the half of my life spent working for the ‘phone company’ (aka: Ma Bell), I suddenly realize that I now have more seniority than anyone else with the ‘directory department’ (aka: AT&T Advertising Solutions). This wasn’t true a year ago, but one by one, retirement party by retirement party the boys and girls that were working here when I started, those same men and women have left the company (either through voluntary or forced retirement) leaving me as the old man on the block (aka: crock o’ the walk).

Each retirement party brings many of the same faces, gathering once again to talk about old times, to reminisce about the way it was and to pontificate the future (or lack thereof) for the printed Yellow Pages directory. Will it go the way of the pager? Will it go the way of the ‘land line’ (aka: DIE’L TONE)? Do kids today know what we mean by 'let your fingers do the walking'? Most of them let their fingers do the talking!

Often the topic of conversation turns to pensions as we delicately pry or flat out ask how those who have gone before us have chosen to invest. Lump sums, partial lump sums, T-Bill rates; boring discussions that have a huge bearing on quality of life once the retirement door hits you in the financius maximus. All in all, as in so many things, we all complain; but we are all grateful for what we’ve gotten (or what we hope to get).

One recent retirement party, a gentleman came up to me, introduced himself as “Joe” and started the ‘looking forward to retirement’ talk, the required ‘what is up with the stock being down?’ lament, along with the gratefully honest appreciation of the pension that lay ahead. I didn’t recognize the guy, but often those that retire started out in different departments, and often the ‘first boss’ or the BFF (Bell Former Friend) shows up to celebrate the endurance and dedication necessary to make it to the ‘final party’.

I picked up pretty quickly that Joe hadn’t retired yet and he and I spent several minutes near the punch bowl swapping stories on what we were going to do with our 401Ks. As we moved towards the cheese squares our stories about ‘how it was going to be’ got a little carried away and by the time I was lapping up the hot sauce and the guacamole I realized there was no way my ‘retirement’ was going to be nearly as glorious as Joe’s was going to be. I decided he must have been a Regional higher up or maybe even a VP of something good to have been able to sock away that much pre-tax dough for his use and pleasure once he left the ‘working world’. Being the professional fact-finder that I am, I decided to do some secondary probes and find out what good old Joe’s position with AT&T was (perhaps he could put in a good word for me).

“Joe, I started selling yellow pages back in ’83, but I’m not remembering you. Did you work for directory?”

“No,” he replied. “Never did. I’ve met a few of you off and on, though. I hope we can all hang out some after we retire. Y'all are a fun bunch!"

“Yeah, salesmen tend to be somewhat extroverted. So I guess you weren’t in sales?!?”

“Oh no. I’m not really the salesman type. But it doesn't seem to matter. AT&T has SUCH a good retirement that even if you didn't do the sales thing, you'll be able to live comfortably!”

“That's probably true,” I replied. “So what part of AT&T do you work for?”

“Oh I don’t work for AT&T! I’m self employed. I work for myself!”

I nearly dropped my finger food into the cocktail wienies. “You NEVER worked for Bell?”

“Can’t say that I have! But I’ve always had AT&T phones and AT&T long distance. Here, have you seen the new iPhone?” Sure enough, he had the latest, greatest model, a 32 GB iPhone 4.0.

“But if you’ve never worked for AT&T and you’ve never been a part of this company, why do you think you’ve got a retirement package waiting on you?”

Not the least bit deterred, he continued, “You said you sold yellow page ads. I use the AT&T Yellow Pages all the time. Now, I can’t get U-Verse where I live, but I would if I could; so that's hardly my fault! Plus, I’ve been going to several of these retirement lunches lately; always a bunch of good people just like me. In fact, I’m not so sure some of them have worked nearly as hard as I have. Why wouldn’t I be included?"

I quickly deduced that finding my employee benefits hand book probably wouldn’t do any good. But a couple of things Jesus said in Matthew suddenly seemed appropriate.

Matthew 7:21 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.”

Matthew 19:24 “And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

However, before I could quote from the hand book or the good book, Joe blurted out, "If I don't have a pension to look forward to then what's the point? I might as well die right now, go straight to heaven and skip these stupid parties!" He seemed more than a bit miffed as he whirled around and walked across the room then out the side door to join some folks who actually had quit Bell (but hadn't quit smoking) to share a Marlboro moment with them. In his haste to leave (and to light the leaves), I saw he had inadvertently knocked his name tag off and it had fallen to the ground (those things never do stick worth a darn). I picked it up and for the first time I noticed that it read: HELLO, my name is JOE C.

Oh my goodness I thought...surely his last name wasn’t CAMEL…

I was tempted to talk to him further, but as poorly as I had handled the 'pension' discussion, I figured now wasn't a good time to enter into a 'heaven' discussion (hey, he brought it up, not me).

Besides...I felt like I had basically already had one.


You're tellin' me I need to be changin' my ways.
Is that what you want me to do?
Well, the fella that lives down the street, around the corner,
   claims to be a Christian, too.
I see him in the checkout line at the supercenter,
   buyin' cigarettes and beer.
I promise you, I'm as good as that guy
   so I don't know what you're sayin' here!
Lyrics taken from GOD'S HEAVEN