SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON TO BLOG

I've been short all my life. I only weighed about 6 lbs when I was born and nothing much has changed. I was always the shortest guy in my class. My whole life as a young boy, my one wish, my consistent prayer was that I would get that 'growth spurt' in high school, and reach 6 feet tall (later amended to 5'10" when I realized 6 feet was completely out of the question). Needless to say, my wish...fell SHORT. Even my friends in school who were about my height seemed to slowly (but soar-ly) outgrow me and left me behind in their shadows ("How's the weather down there?") I hit the ceiling (figuratively of course) at 5'7".

I loved the disco era. I liked the music. I liked that it usually included horns and keyboards. But mostly, I liked the platform shoes that became extremely popular during that time. I regularly wore them...to market, at home, eating roast beef, etc. Everywhere my little piggies went, they were adorned in platforms. Since most pictures don't include the feet, I probably can't provide you proof or fodder so that you can poke fun at my platforms...but trust me, they were there...evening the odds...leveling the playing field...lifting my spirits.

It's always been PC (even when PC wasn't PC) to give people a hard time for being short (or tall for that matter). Of all the physical things in the world that might be a source of jokes or ridicule, height remains the one constant. I'm not sure that the 'thorn' in Paul's side wasn't his stature. "Shorty Saul" kind of has a ring to it. "Three foot Saul", or "Small Saul" could have been shouted across the Jewish playgrounds of the day. In today's modern world of cosmetic surgery, the classic childhood name calling of 'Fatso' and 'Opie' or more grown-up taunts like 'Carpenter's Dream' or 'Cue Ball' have become archaic. Even 'horse teeth' and 'hawk noses' have disappeared from the faces of young kids. You can have your body altered, your nose fixed, your teeth straightened, your face cleared up, and your cellulite removed; not to mention having your hair color changed, wearing a wig/toupee, or even having hair implanted. Girdles and gels, spanks and wonderbras to the rescue! But with the death of platform shoes, the escape from my reality vanished. Yes, I am a now model husband (a small miniature version of the real thing).

In the same way that I was born short, some folks are born large...they're big people. But I've learned throughout my life (and was reminded again just recently by my friend Keith Mohr) that you don't make fun of a person's size (OhMyGirth!!!). One of my favorite friends at the Rodeo Opry is Darlin' Darla. When she was younger, she looked like Florence Henderson (I've seen video). But since I've known her, she's been a big gal; and most of her repertoire of jokes revolves (like a planet) around her weight. It's funny. SHE'S funny. She can talk about it. She can have you in STITCHES over it. But take it from me...don't join in the frivolity. Too many folks are really sensitive about it; unless you're fat too. Then, as with most things, you can always poke fun at yourself.  Here's Darla and I being fools together; performing Guitarzan at the Rodeo Opry!

And while we're on the subject of eating (or should I say eating too much); I'm not a big fan of buffets (except for Jimmy). Too many people coughing, hacking, sneezing on, drooling in, and touching my food (same thing with potlucks). But the main thing is, I feel like I'm enabling (and financially supporting) every over-weight over-eater in this county (and their relatives from the next county) to 'all-you-can-eat' their way to a heart attack; or at a minimum to store up fat for the winter. Ever wonder why they call it a 'Corral' (albeit Golden)? It's almost cannabalistic with all the cows eating steak and the pigs eating pork chops and Bar-B-Que. I feel out of place there...everyone seems to be eyeing me wondering, "what's Shorty Small doing here?" Maybe instead of a Senior discount, they should offer a Junior Discount?  There's no way I eat enough to pay full price.  Do they give out Handicap stickers for 'hollow legs'?

I don't want to beat a dead Shetland but the media's no help in this department. Don't expect any television shows anytime soon called "The Shortest Loser" or any celebrity endorsements for Little Jenny Craig. After all, the 'Tom Cruises' of the world hide their shortness. Why do you think Tom jumps on couches? It's because it makes him six feet tall.  Why does Little Jimmy Dickens sing May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose ???  It's just a list of comebacks for all the short jokes he's heard all of his life.  There does happen to be a pic in the Muskogee Highschool yearbook where I'm standing on a chair, feeling six feet tall; long before Top Gun thought of it!

I don't think me being vertically challenged was a factor in my love for comedy (or being a smart aleck). I'm really not sensitive about it. But I do seem to notice (or take note of) others and their challenges (especially those horizontally challenged). How can you NOT notice? (Did someone say something about the elephant in the room???)  Whatever Paul's physical challenge was, he summed it up best in Philippians, when he wrote "...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."  The long and short of it...that's a statement we should all live by!

So, the next time you see me feel free to ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" But don't be surprised if I reply, "Golden Corral called; they want some of their buffet back!"

P.S. Here's another song for you to check out...and the inspiration for this BLOG title! SHORT PEOPLE ("They wear platform shoes on their nasty little feet") (and one I listened to over and over on my EIGHT TRACK player back in the day)