ON BEING BI

So I'm reading my Yahoo headlines several months ago and I see that the former Oscar winner for Best Supporting Actress is bisexual? I think the only state that allows that is Utah...but they have another name for it there. I've been to Utah; I think I'll stay in Oklahoma.

God tells us we are 'fearfully and wonderfully made.' He made us...so He has a right to tell us how to behave. I spoke in an earlier Blog about the parts of the body and how they all fit together. I'm glad my 'ear' didn't experiment with seeing or smelling, or try to develop a heightened sense of touch. I envision putting my head underneath the shower nozzle to test the temperature 'by ear' because my 'ear' insisted that it was a great 'feeler' (and in this example assuming my 'ear' had also developed the ability to speak). Somewhat akin to sticking your tongue to the ice pole (Dumb & Dumber reference). I actually have accidentally tested the shower water with my head, when someone left it on. I think I'll let my fingers do the testing.

I also wrote before about ones' calling. How do we determine our life's calling or vocation? I find we too often go back to something we know (or have known in the past). What if Michael Jordan had tried baseball FIRST? What if Billy Joel's parents couldn't afford piano lessons (or a piano). Would he have become famous as the Mandolin Man? "Sing us a song, you're the Mandolin Man" doesn't have the same ring and I'm not aware of very many Mandolin Bars (unless you count Irish Pubs - shout out to the Flyin' Fiddler).

Perhaps we should force our kids to work a different job in a different industry every summer until they have matched their aptitude with a vocation. We're told it looks bad on a resume to change jobs alot. But I've also been told that folks that change jobs frequently wind up being more successful in the end. I do believe this: chasing after what we want is probably never going to be as fulfilling as chasing after what we're good at.

As for me, I stumbled into a sales job at Southwestern Bell (now AT&T) nearly 28 years ago (where they let their fingers do the walking) and didn't even stinkin' know what the job was. I wanted a steady job with good benefits (and that's what I got). Not much of a life plan or goals list, huh? I wound up being pretty good at it for lots of reasons, but mostly because I have the ability to persuade (I was pretty successful as a debater in highschool). I stuck with it because I had a family to support and no longer had the luxury of trying stuff out. But the talents one possesses can be used in a variety of areas and at enumerous companies or jobs and I'm not sure that I can claim that this job that has occupied half of my life (so far) was 'the one'.

I went to college at OBU because I wanted to be a Church Music Leader. Probably the right match for many of my aptitudes (and it was definitely a 'calling'), but it just wasn't the right fit at that time. When church music began to radically change about 15 years ago, I realized that it had BECOME the right fit and the right time for me (finally starting to answer that 'calling'). So for about a dozen years or more I've kind of straddled the fence between the corporate world and the church world, with a heavy dose of performing on the side. So depending on which half of the glass we're looking at, I've had the best of both worlds (or the worst of both worlds).

It's not that I'm a closet 'bivocational'! Both partners are aware of the other one. In fact, I'm not at all 'attracted' to the corporate side, but when the dance floor got thin lo those many years ago, I had to settle for the ugly fat 'Bell' chick (don't ever confuse 'southwestern bell' with 'southern belle' - two totally different broads). Not to mention that the 'Bell babe' was willing to commit.

Regarding the other relationship, it seems like over the years one of the other of us hasn't been willing to commit (either myself or the church) so this half in/half out state has continued. I have always hoped to one day be able to find that perfect union, that bilateral committment and be able to leave my 'first lover'. The good news (and we love to talk about the 'good news') is that the ailment can be cured. First step of course is admitting you have a problem; so here goes: "Hello, my name is Randy and I'm bivocational."

Now that THAT is out of the way, I can work towards leaving the bivocational lifestyle behind and concentrate on my true love: leading worship! It won't be politically correct (being hetero-vocational), but there'll be fewer meetings and fewer parades to have to attend. When someone asks what I do for a living, I won't have to suffer through that uncomfortable moment when I stutter and stammer, and make that quick decision on whether or not to 'out' myself. I can state emphatically "Yes, I like church bodies." I prefer singing to selling. I prefer overcoming a 'bunch of NOTES' to overcoming a 'bunch of NOs'. I sing loud, and I'm proud. I've finally chosen the narrow way, not the bi-way highway; it wasn't the easy way, but it was God's way.  Yes, I'm a Worship Pastor.  I tried it out when we were on the Feud, and it felt good.  It felt right!

So, drum roll please, November 1st, the divorce will become final.  Bell(e) and I will split the sheets!  It was a good union for many, many years, but frankly we've begun to REALLY get on each other's nerves.  I was never unfaithful...but I've definitely had a wandering eye (and I've sinned in my heart against the old gal many times).  I'm not sure what the future holds but I know Who holds the future (pardon the cliche).  Don't be sad...I'm getting a good settlement (and rolling it right over into an IRA).

Some of you may say, "Oh, he won all that money on the Feud, that's why he's quitting his day job!"  Well, my fifth of it, minus the government's take won't last long, believe me.  I actually made this decision before we ever set foot in Orlando.  I wrote most of this blog in April.

It's just the right time (and has been for awhile now).  God's been saying, "Go there."  I'm just finally saying, "Yes."

Thank you, Ma Bell, for 333 months.

As usual, my thoughts are best described in a song.
Click here, then listen to: I Say, "Yes!"
(seventh song on my CD "You Sing One...You Sing 'Em All")

Twenty Two Minutes and Three Seconds of Fame

Yes, I'm well aware of the Andy Warhol prediction (and now overused phrase) that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes (first stated in 1968, and then reiterated by Mr. Warhol again in 1979). And I'm telling you, with Reality TV, American Idol, YouTube, Twitter and who-knows-what next, it's become eerily accurate. At any rate, maybe by the time this blog is complete, you can figure out my math (and where the extra seven minutes and three seconds came from).

Just call me a geek. I like numbers. I'm good with them; and math comes easy to me. Remember a phone number? Easy. Algebra? You bet! Excel spread sheets? Bring 'em on. Numbers allow us to quantify, measure and compare things. Numbers are objective; how we analyze them is subjective. But this blog isn't about numbers...necessarily. But it will stay true to the 'randym thoughts' title; so get ready for a 'number' of them!

My wife and I recently went to see the movie Heaven's Rain. It's a great movie, that accurately and factually tells the true story of an Oklahoma pastor and his family's home invasion in October 1979 (they weren't really called home invasions back then; that term didn't really catch on until about 1995, but that indeed was what it was). I highly recommend the movie. It's certainly a different movie than Fireproof, but every bit as relevant to the concept of 'forgiveness' as any movie you'll see. Since it happened here in the Bible Belt, it is especially engaging. In addition to that, my family attended Putnam City Baptist Church (in 1972) when this pastor, Richard Douglas, was there so I was even more intrigued. (In October of '79 I was in Fresno, California playing rock-n-roll. Back then, before the Internet, news coverage of this in the 'Valley' was scarce, so my first hand knowledge of the crime was limited. I do remember my mom calling to tell me about it on the phone). But to be honest, my main reason to go see the film was to see if I was going to be in it.

You see, I spent a day in McAlester earlier this year (a very COLD day as I recall) playing the part of a newspaper reporter, covering the execution of Steven Hatch (as an extra, mind you).  But I was in three scenes.  Three very important scenes I thought.  I'll save you the boring details, but the first two scenes only appeared on the cutting room floor.  The final scene, where we have left the execution chamber, and are taking the LONG walk across the prison courtyard remained.  The scene opens with about 3 seconds of an eerie full moon next to a prison guard tower (see pic above).  And then (drum roll), my three seconds of fame; a very abbreviated walk into infamy.  If you see the movie (and you should), focus on the moon!  When it fades out, I burst upon the scene.  (Alright, the honesty just exited stage left.)  The truth is, I totally missed it the first time I watched it. Luckily, I snuck my Flip into the theatre, and preserved the moment, and I do mean moment, for y'all to see.  Notice the guy in the middle with his hand out...

Raise your hand, Randy, so everyone can see which one you are!

Coincidentally, as Heaven's Rain ends its run in Oklahoma City (on the 30th), Whittern's Reign (aka: Family Feud) starts its run.  If my sources are correct, October 4th at 1:00 p.m. you'll be able to see the Whit Family in all their glory...twenty two minutes of fame!  You see, one of the things the producer (Gaby - see her in the pic) mentioned when we were getting our pre-game pep talk and instructions, was that they had to cram a whole show, including all of Steve Harvey's antics into just 22 minutes. 



Executive Producer, Gaby talks to the Whittern Family before the show



And although we're obviously not in ALL 22 minutes of the show, the Whitterns vs the Wilsons was a heavy weight fight; four rounds of action with both families duking it out for camera time.  The Wilsons were the first family out of the chute that day (playing a returning champ) for a reason.  They were a flamboyant, outgoing family, and by the time we got to them, they were out for their third win (I had the feeling that none of the other families wanted to play them, either).  It's actually been kind of interesting, because they've already shown the Wilson's first show, where they beat a really strong opponent, The Farwell Family (going for THEIR third win).  It was a really funny show, so I'm not surprised they snuck it in early.  Be watching for their second show, when they take on the family with Shamus, the ballroom dance instructor.  It's a hoot.

One of the things I've noticed, much like in the movies, editing has a significant impact on the final product.  For instance, each show we saw taped, began with the traditional 'family introductions' (usually made by the family captain). So far, I've yet to see one of these make the show.  And I can understand why.  How many times do we want to hear the phrase 'my lovely wife' or 'my crazy cousin'?  Let's leave the comedy to the professional (Steve Harvey) so we can get to the 'stupid answers' as fast as we can. 

 After all, the clock's rolling, and we only have 22 minutes to spare.  Truth is, they switched our order right before we went on, and I accidentally introduced Holly as 'my sister' (instead of as 'her sister' referencing Katie).  I've introduced hundreds of singers and entertainers in over 20 years as an MC at various shows and Oprys, so it's something I almost do for a living...and I still had some 'duh' moments.  So I'm glad the intros are gone.

The Feud is a great vehicle for Steve Harvey and although it is still very much about the families and their personalities (and their answers), just watching Steve is worth tuning in for. Every show I've watched (and I've seen about 25 of them so far) has been entertaining and funny.  Hands down, it has become the best game show on TV.

Fame itself is fleeting. I see it every time I mention an artist or actor from the 70s (or the 60s) when my kids are around. Will my grandkids know who 'Farrah' was? How about Rowan and Martin, Jan and Dean, Chad and Jeremy? I grew up listening to Dean Martin on my mom's stereo. One of the first albums I listened to was King Creole. I went to an Elvis Extravaganza at the State Fair on Tuesday night to see a good friend of mine, Rich Vickers do his ETA (Elvis Tribute Artist) performance (he was superb, by the way). Elvis is alive and well because of these types of events, but the others I mentioned are not so lucky (and not so famous).

It seems like the way you DIE has a great effect on your fame...

                                   ...when it should be the way that you lived.

People also confuse 'fame' with 'success'. You can be famous, for good and bad reasons...and even the good reasons don't usually translate into making a living at it. If fame is fleeting, success from that fame is even harder to hang on to. Think of the unhappy child stars. Think of the college athletes who didn't go pro (or tried to, but couldn't). A life can't be judged on how famous it was (or wasn't). 

There seems to be a buzzword about making Jesus famous.  Has there been anyone MORE famous, MORE sustaining than Jesus Christ?  I don't feel the need to make Jesus famous...just important...in my own life.  The rest will take care of itself.  It is quickly apparent what is important in people's lives.  If Christ isn't important in my life, then I won't be much of a PR guy for Him.

Fame seems to be more of a selfish thing...an earthly thing.  In a generation or two, the people we consider famous now, will barely be remembered.  Maybe a history book or two will chronicle their place in history; but the more history we have, even that club becomes more and more exclusive.  Outside of Oklahoma, the Murrah bombing is about two generations away from being nearly forgotten.  Truth is, I can't really remember my great-grandparents.  Fast forward three generations; who will remember you? I loved my mom.  I have great and fond memories of her (notice I've mentioned her several times in this blog).  But my grandkids didn't know her. They certainly won't remember her.

James 4:14  Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.

Your 15 minutes of fame (when and if it comes) won't change anything.  It won't have any real or lasting effect on your life one way or the other.  Nor will my twenty two minutes and three seconds of fame.  And what money you make off of it (if any) will vanish like the million or so dollars most of us will actually earn in our lifetimes (you do the math...$35,000 a year for 30 years).  But what I do about Jesus...that's another thing entirely.  I believe that will have eternal significance.  At a minimum, being a Christian has given my life meaning and my faith has sustained me.  Fame?  You can keep all twenty one minutes and thirty-eight seconds of it.

Where'd the rest go, you ask?  You do the math...
________________________________________________________

The captain of the Wilson Family, Secily Wilson was quite a lady.  She and Donna struck up a quick friendship in the lady's room (Donna let Secily borrow her mirror).  She was great TV.  Check her out on the web!   
   

Real Living! with Riva and Secily

Approximate Wait Time for this Blog - 30 Minutes (Part Two)

Animal Kingdom was a great addition to the Disney Theme Parks.  Maybe because it was a whole park that I had never been to before.  But the Safari ride through the live, wild animals was superb and it kind of made the Jungle Cruise over at Magic Kingdom null and void.  It was like a zoo without bars (although we had a couple of cold waters when we were done ;).  The park was really busy that day (and muggy).  And the 'Fast Pass' machines kept messing up, so that an attendant was continually having to help folks get their complementary passes.  Now I've always been one to like to beat the system (one of my many bad traits) and my son has followed in my footsteps, and in fact walked quickly past me in that regards.  He observantly noticed that many times, when all other efforts failed, the Disney worker was reaching around the back of the Fast Pass machine, and pushing a mysterious button that automatically spit out a Fast Pass.  So, from that point forward, whenever we needed a Fast Pass and the machine wasn't cooperating (either because it was truly malfunctioning or because we hadn't waited the mandatory 'hour' between Fast Pass dispersals), Dustin would reach around to the back of the machine, punch the button a few times and voila, we were armed and dangerous...or to misquote the old Palladin line, "HAVE TICKET - WILL TRAVEL!"

Observance and diligence will take you far in life...or at least will put more 'magical' in your day.

Proverbs 13:4 The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.

But the rides that affected me the most throughout several days of themeparking, were the Disney rides that I had first ridden 40 years ago in California (and later about 20 years ago in Florida).  Rides like the Pirates of the Carribean for instance.  There was such talk about the 'animatronics' and the realness of the characters back in the day for some of these rides.  And in fact, many of the sights were mesmerizing back then...the old 'Disney Magic' was alive and real.  But this time around, I could have really cared less.  I was mildly disappointed that they were refurbishing the It's A Small World ride (mostly because I wanted a cool place to sit for awhile).  And if the Pirates of the Carribean would have had much of a line (we basically walked right on), we probably would have skipped it.  We didn't darken the door of the Tiki Hut or the Hall of Presidents (The Tiki Hut said it was 'Under New Management'; I assume the Hall of Presidents is now, too ;).  When I was younger (even as an adult) I would have stood in line and waited for all of these rides (and did). But I've lost my passion for them. For me the 'magic' has worn off.

The rides haven't changed.  I have.
 
Revelation 2:3-5 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.

There's no doubt I have extended periods of exuberance for Christianity.  But like many of us, I have times when I punch the clock...go through the motions.  It's like I'm riding the Pirates of the Carribean, but I'm thinking about what's for lunch or how tired I am...oblivious to the "YO HOs".  The hound dog still has the keys to the jail cell.  The three pirates behind bars are still trying to coax him over.  And even the horny old pirates are still chasing the 'women of the night' round and round in a circle.  Been there; done that! (the ride...I'm talking about the RIDE).

It's not that I'm lukewarm.  But no doubt I find myself HOT, then COLD; much like the Roller Coaster: I'm FIRE; then ICE.  The ride of life is still coming at me just as fast as ever; full of twists and turns, followed by periods of waiting and watching.  But it's so much better when you're on FIRE; versus being on ICE.  (However, being drenched and beaten by rain pellets at 60 or 70 miles an hour is no picnic, no matter how enthusiastic you are.)

There's always more ground to cover.  One more corner to turn.  One more ride to discover.  But the ride is only as fun, interesting, and engaging as my enthusiasm is for it.  So I find myself, over and over praying the REAL version of Isaiah 40:31 and asking that I run and not grow weary...walk and not be faint.  And as with most scriptures, the original version will sustain me through every event in life (no matter how wild the ride).

About two years ago I had the opportunity to sit down with Eddie DeGarmo and just talk for over an hour.  He was there in Estes Park, CO to give a talk/lecture during the Seminar in the Rockies when I was up there a couple of summers ago.  I wasn't about to miss it.  My first official date with Donna was at a DeGarmo & Key concert in the 80s.  He was the driving force behind one of the first and most successful (from my point of view) Christian rock bands during those early years.  But the venue (room) where he was slated to speak was one of the more obscure ones at the YMCA of the Rockies; and also it was on Friday morning of the week long conference...and many of the young artists clamoring to be discovered, and so certain that they were the next MercyMe or Chris Tomlin had packed up their homemade CDs and left Estes Park early to return to their home towns in dejection and despondency (like so many of the disappointed Feud families).  So, when I trotted up to the room and peaked in, I realized the small auditorium was dark.  I wandered back into the lobby, and asked the old guy sitting on the couch if the seminar had been cancelled.  He replied, "I think it's probably just you and me, partner.  How are you?  I'm Eddie DeGarmo."  So, I sat down, and Eddie and I talked for over an hour.   He told me how he went from traveling and performing, to publishing (and I found out he had been REALLY successful in both arenas).  It was SO interesting and better than any lecture I could have attended.  A one-on-one impromptu session with Eddie DeGarmo...just sitting on the couch, shootin' the breeze.  I tell you this story, because one their best songs (see below) aptly describes my feelings about all this and sums up my Christian ride.  I don't want to be 'casual' about it. 
I sure don't want to be 'lukewarm'.  I want to excitedly choose my music...then Rip Ride and Rockit!  And when unexpected storms arrive, I want to show patience and be willing to wait for whatever God has in store for me.  And I want to do it with decorum and class (no matter what those around me are doing or saying; or yelling!).

Casual Christian - DeGarmo & Key

Approximate Wait Time for this Blog - 30 minutes (Part One)

With each generation society changes...I'm tempted to say evolves; but the word 'evolves' denotes a 'bettering' or an 'advanced state'.  So I think I'll stick with 'changes'.  Today's generation (and my generation to some extent) not only wants, but expects to 'have it all'.  Don't save for the future.  Don't save for emergencies.  Don't save for anything!  The newest cars, houses, clothing, shoes and gadgets are just a credit card swipe or a computer click away.
Buy now.  Pay later.  Pay way more later.  Maybe never pay. 

You know the obvious things.  Here's one of the not so obvious things I noticed while in Florida doing the 'Feud'.  Back in the day, when you visited Disneyland (that's all we had back then), you bought a book of tickets (how many remember that?).  You had A, B, C, D and E tickets.  The A and B tickets were for the lesser rides (like Cinderella's Golden Carousel or the Shootin' Gallery or Swiss Family Treehouse).  The D and E tickets were the 'golden' ones for the Haunted Mansion or the Jungle Cruise.  In fact, even the Hall of Presidents and the Country Bear Jamboree required a prized D or E ticket (we didn't even bother with either of those attractions this time).  The point is, you had to decide which ride you REALLY wanted to ride or which attraction you really wanted to see; because once that E ticket was gone, that was it.  No more 'cool' rides.  My parents (especially my dad) were not about to shell out $5.95 for another book just so I could ride one more 'cool' ride.  No amounts of "Please, please, please, please!" would change their mind either.  Every once in awhile, I might be able to con my mom out of one of her tickets (she wasn't a big fan of rides), but the bottom line was this: you didn't expect to ride all the rides.  You waited in line.  You gave up your last 'E' ticket.  And you made sure you enjoyed it.  End of story.

But today is so different.  Not only do the kids expect to ride every ride, they want to ride them more than once, and not have to stand in line.  So now Disney has come up with the Fast Pass.  You obtain this at the entrance of each ride.  It gives you a specific time to come back (usually more than an hour or two later) and take the 'Fast Pass' to the front of the line.  Now the rule is you can only get one fast pass each hour.  So we had to bounce from one side of the park to the other, grabbing as many fast passes as we could, in an attempt to ride as many rides as possible (with as little waiting as possible).  Now I'm not saying that standing in line is some sort of rite of passage on the way to Nirvana or a 'trial' that you must endure to be 'worthy' of riding some 3 minute thrill ride.  But it's a microcosm of our "I-want-it-and-I-want-it-now microwave world" that we live in.  ("OMG, the iPhone 4.0 is SO much faster than the iPhone 3G!"  Who knew?  Who cares?).

It was interesting to hear people from all over the world, rapidly blurting out their native language, interspersed with the words 'Fast Pass' here and there.  'Fast Pass' is the same in EVERY language!  But I found myself getting sucked into it also.  During our time at the Universal Studios theme park, we paid the extra to get THEIR version of the Fast Pass called the Express Pass (and honestly it WAS worth every penny).  You didn't have to come back later for the Express Pass.  You just went from ride to ride, straight through the park.  No planning; hardly any waiting.  You didn't have to spend an hour in the heat, in a line with very little air circulation, next to those same nationalities that don't have the same bathing habits as we do or next to the teenagers using the wait in line as foreplay for the ride they hoped to experience later.  You got in, you got on, you rode; you got in, you got on, you rode!  More time to eat the high priced food, and shop the high priced gift shops.  Universal gets more money from you and somehow we're all happier.

Now there were one or two rides that did NOT except the 'Express Pass' (aren't there ALWAYS exceptions?) One of them was the Rip Ride Rockit Roller Coaster; where you got to choose the music you listen to during the ride from a list of several genres and artists (kind of like you choose your own music for your final ride into eternity, aka: your funeral).  So this particular day, we chose an opportune time (about lunch time, when we hoped the wait would be the shortest) and got in line.  The 'estimated wait time' posted at the beginning of the line was 45 minutes, so we figured if that was our longest wait of the day, we'd be in good shape.  During your stint in line, the video monitors constantly played examples of the music from which you could chose. Strangely enough, there was no Gospel music to pick from (guess I'll save that for the aforementioned 'final' ride).  Since I once worked with a preacher that had an affinity for ZZ Top (shout out to BBB), I decided that I would choose 'that lil ol band from Texas' to scream along with.

Rip Ride Rockit Roller Coaster

Now I'm not saying it was a 'sign', but I was soon reminded that God controls the weather; for as we were standing on the platform, after about an hour wait, and only three groups away from climbing aboard, an announcement came over the loud speakers (you can't miss the announcements, because they turn off the LOUD music to make them) and it said, "Due to inclement weather in the area, the Rip Ride Rockit Roller Coaster is temporarily closed."  It had been cloudy and rainy off and on throughout the morning, but it hadn't seemed to be an issue until now.  Obviously, some poor soul's final ride into eternity had been on a roller coaster (probably while listening to rap) thanks to some well timed 'lightning' in the past; because we soon discovered that the park had a policy that when the thunder rolls, the coasters do not.  So you can image the reactions and verbal barrage that soon followed that announcement from the throngs of hot, sweaty people who had not only been denied their Sixth Amendment rights to a 'fair and speedy ride' (through use of the Express Pass) but were now being denied their 'Freedom of Screech' (after all, that's what you do on a roller coaster; at least I believe it was one of the answers to the Family Feud question: Name Something You Do On A Roller Coaster).  So I was nervously hoping no one wanted to exercise their Second Amendment rights to bear arms; especially the Hispanic Family just behind us.  They were 'lívido' and they were letting the innocent workers have it in Spanglish.  I understood the English parts, and my son (who just spent several months near the Mexican border in south Texas) assured me the Spanish slang they were using was equally 'condescendiente' and 'abrasivo'.  I suddenly felt I had been time warped to a really bad carnival in a really bad part of town and found myself watching for the glint of a 'shank' suddenly appearing out of a pair of slaggin FUBUs.  Fortunately, before the crowd could bum rush the poor kids who were just working their summer jobs between semesters, the thunder stopped; and the coaster rolled.

The weather reared its ugly head off and on that whole day.  We wound up riding the Fire side, of the Fire and Ice Roller Coaster in a driving rain (obviously there was no lightning present at the time; either that or the workers decided it was better to risk our lives than theirs).  I can only describe it as being catapulted on a wheelchair through a car wash at a hundred miles an hour (and yes, I paid to have this done to me).  Fortunately, we were able to use our Express Pass, and the kids (not the mom or dad), rode it several times.  For me, once was enough.

The most strenuous ride we rode during our time in Orlando?  The Disney Parkwalk Asphalt Marathon.  Donna's phone measures the number of steps taken each day, and we discovered that we were averaging about six miles per day.  Fast Pass my ACHING FEET!!!
It caused me to retranslate Isaiah 40:31!

Those that wait in line (Lord help me!) will renew their strength.  They will buckle up and then soar like eagles.  They will ride and not grow weary...they will walk (and ride some more) and not grow faint.

(to be continued)

CARPE FEUDIEM

So there we were...strangers drawn together by our unique circumstances.  Three or four dozen survivors fearing, yet hoping that we might be next...but above all, hoping to escape with our lives.  No; this wasn't a group of Chilean miners.  And we certainly weren't families in a German concentration camp (no matter how bleak the future seemed).  But we were families...and we came from all over the map.  The Rios family from Chicago; the Thomas family from Georgia; the Wilson family from Orlando; the Whittern family from Oklahoma.  And I know that some of us (all of us) were wondering, "what were we thinking?" or "how did we get ourselves into this?"  And it was a reasonable query without a doubt: Why submit yourselves to possible public embarrassment?  And not just limited, controlled embarrassment amongst friends or family.  This could be coast to coast, replayed again and again, long after you're dead and gone YouTube-worthy embarrassment.

Actually, twelve families would start the day there in one of the Nickelodeon Studio 'green rooms' with dreams of 'big green money'...but only one family would leave with no regrets.  Most would quickly crash and burn.  We had already seen it happen.  We sat there in the audience as they taped the first two episodes of the day for the new season of Family Feud.  We saw the deer in the headlight stares.  We saw the split second difference between buzzing in, and sent home packing.  Yes, we saw the thrill of victory.  But we were especially cognizant now of the agony of defeat.  We watched as the ones with the 'wrong answers' came filing back in.  We saw the dejection.  We felt the'walk of shame' (or at least the 'descent of despondency').

Sure, we were told over and over again, "Enjoy the experience!" and "Just have fun!"  But isn't that what we're told to do every day?  Live the moment!  There are no promises of tomorrow!  That's been our instructions for nearly 3000 years!

Proverbs 27:1  Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.

Easier said than done.  So we tried our best to 'seize the day' (but in this case, it soon morphed into a modern case of Carpe Feudiem: Seize control of the game and try to sweep the board!)  What else could we do? We had already told all of our friends, neighbors, relatives, co-workers, church members, grocery store clerks, nurses, doctors, the whole staff at Walgreens, and every one we ran into that we were going to be on the Family Feud for goodness sakes!!!  Our tunnel memory up to that point was only of the 'high fives' and 'jumping jacks' that accompanied accurate answers and successful 'steals'.  No thought had been given to the SCARLET X of DEFEAT when they superimposed a Big Fat X across your face with each wrong response!  But the reality of it all quickly erased our delusions of becoming Game Show Juggernauts.

First thing, we were stripped of our IDs and our cell phones, and were all herded into the chamber (aka: the studio); then bright lights were pointed in our faces as we were grilled and questioned in 'rehearsal'.  'Rehearsal' is where you quickly go through a mock game play while you're being watched, graded, and sized up for 'show worthiness'.  Many are called...but not everyone is chosen (two or three families didn't make the show).  Personally, I wasn't really 'feeling it' in rehearsal and I wasn't sure how well we 'graded'.  I'm used to being 'under the spotlights' at the Rodeo Opry (and even in church, leading the music).  But 'hecklers' are few and far between at those venues...and the feedback from a performance is rarely so quickly received (or so anxiously awaited).  Let me just say that we definitely felt the difference between the lights of the living room and the lights of the studio.  And that was just with 'Eric' the 'stand-in' host!  So initially we were relegated to the audience and nervously sat and waited, knowing that Steve Harvey would soon be asking the questions (if and when we were chosen).  And this is a man who makes his living poking fun at the masses...in fact, his 'gift' is to see the humor in people and to make sport of them...especially their silly actions and their 'dumb' answers; and isn't that the charm of the Family Feud...normal people...being their normal, but human selves?  And here I was surrounded by a family of blondes.  Not dumb blondes; but blonde lambs, nonetheless, voluntarily being led by their shepherd to the slaughter.  So what do you do in times like these?  Seek solace in the Bible, of course:

Jeremiah 25:34 Weep and wail, you shepherds; roll in the dust, you leaders of the flock. For your time to be slaughtered has come; you will fall and be shattered like fine pottery.

Ooops.  "Bad answer, Bad answer!"

It was actually comforting and calming to observe a couple of shows...to watch the whole procedure...to witness the pressure from afar.  And fortunately, in our case, the waiting was quickly replaced by a sudden swarm of butterflies, for as we were walking out of the studio, towards the Green Room, I looked back and noticed out of the corner of my eye, that they had flashed 'WHITTERN' in blue lights behind the Family Podium, right across the stage from the high energy family that had just won their second game.  Gulp!!!

"Alright WHITTERN family...YOU'RE ON!"

1 Corinthians 9:24  Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Did we win?  Well, I can tell you that we ran a good race.  Were we embarrassed?  Well, I can also tell you that we did have some 'blonde moments' (and Steve Harvey had fun with the Whitterns).  How many of those moments made the show (and how they helped or hindered our success) will only be completely known (and shown) when the show hits the air.  At this writing, I don't know the day or hour; but unlike the return of Christ (Matthew 25:13 "Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour), in this case, the day and the hour (and the channel) will be e-mailed to me in a couple of weeks...then I will pass all that on to you.

Would you like a 'sneak peek'?  Well, one behind the scenes note: the crew quickly nicknamed Holly 'thong' and Katie 'bong'! (You'll see why when the show airs!)  There's even a cameo appearance from Rachel and her whole family (via the magic of FlipVideo).  And rumor has it that a video exists of the 'dance off' between Tito Rios and myself to the Black Eyed Peas tune "I Gotta Feeling" ("tonight's gonna be a good, good night!")

Yeah, I think we made the most of each moment :) and escaped with our lives (and our dignity).  So I'll close with this overused cliche: Film at 11:00 (or probably at 1:00 in Oklahoma).  I'll let you know! 

"Survey Says..."

So I'm sitting in my living room watching old episodes of the Family Feud on the Game Show Network; and I'm coming to some definite conclusions.  First of all, the #1 answer is definitely not always the right answer (and maybe this wasn't even MY #1 conclusion).  It's all so very, very subjective.  Ask 100 people...get an answer.  Ask 100 different people...get a different answer.  Secondly, watching the older episodes (even from the Richard Karn days) may do more harm than good.  The 'era' in which some of these questions were asked (and answered) are direct reflections of that era.  I need all the help I can to keep my mind in the 21st century and out of the 90s (as well as the 80s, 70s and 60s...just ask my kids).  So I'm afraid hearing how one generation responds may negatively affect my thought process.  Fact is, I'm not really sure how you go about preparing for the Feud.

"One hundred people surveyed.  Top six answers on the board.
Name a test you can't study for."

Drug Test.  IQ Test.  Blood Test.  Family Feud. (well, it should have been one of top answers.  Of course, it didn't make the list).  How about when God tests your faith.  Definitely not on the list.  Perhaps you CAN study for that...

So I'm sitting in church on Sunday morning, studying for my next faith test and listening to how the Pharisees, in their attempt to 'answer' questions about the Ten Commandments, had written some 24 chapters on what you could do and couldn't do on the Sabbath (at least and still keep it 'holy' in their eyes).

"100 Rabbis were surveyed, top 300 answers are on the board.
Name something you can't do on the Sabbath!"

Some of the answers that would have made the list?  "Pick up a piece of paper." "Hold a match." "Touch a hammer."  Jesus had the best answer.

Mark 2:27 Then he said to them, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.

In other words, "don't work so hard!"  If you have to WORK to observe the Sabbath, then you haven't RESTED.  And if the Sabbath doesn't give you rest...then it isn't WORKING!  Speaking of working...

So I'm sitting in the lobby of a hotel room in Lawton, OK (where I'm working for the week) and reading the USA Today.  My kids say I gotta keep up on current topics in case there are some sort of topical questions where I need to know the top answers.  I'm scanning the headlines; well, it looks like the Supreme Court is going to have the final answer on the whole California law regarding same-sex marriages. Hmmmm...

"Alright, we surveyed nine Supreme Court Justices.  All nine of their answers are on the board.  "Name two things you can legally marry in a California wedding."

A man and a woman.  Two men.  Two women.  A man and his dog.  A teacher and her student.  A woman and her plastic surgeon (we did say Cali).  Two first cousins (Cali...not Arkansas!).  A man and a boy (hey, twenty years ago we didn't think a man and a man would ever marry).  Chocolate and Peanut Butter (old news).  Charlie Sheen and girl de jour (Two and a half marriages).

Certainly the above answers I've given as I type this (even the legit ones) would have been far different if asked (and answered) in the early days of the Family Feud.  For instance, the number one answer for this Feud question: Name the most you would pay for a pair of shoes...was $25 for Richard Dawson's show.  For John O'Hurley's show it'd be at least four times that (maybe forty times that for Steve Harvey himself).  I think Michael Jordan helped a lot of us break the $100 barrier on shoes.

So, now you're sitting there at your computer wondering where all this is going (hopefully to Fast Money).  Well, it seems to me the Supreme Court is a whole lot like modern day Pharisees...making hundreds of decisions and interpretations on THEIR foundational law, the 10 Bill of Rights; and it seems like with each decision, they find themselves further and further from the 'spirit of the law'.  Maybe if Thomas Jefferson could return and clarify it all for us (like Jesus did for the 10 Commandments), we'd get it right.  Well, wait a minute...folks didn't listen to Jesus; so a Thomas Jefferson reincarnation wouldn't make a difference either.  Brings to mind the last line of the 'rich man and Lazarus' story from Luke.

Luke 16:31 ...'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.' "

Survey the Supreme Court today; get some answers.  Survey the Supreme Court after a few more Liberal (or Conservative) appointments; get some different answers.  That's because we're not getting real answers.  We're getting real opinions....really varied opinions.  That's what really makes the Feud so difficult, so often.  The top answers aren't on the board.  The top opinions are there.

The real answer?  Discernment (or as John MacArthur pronounces it, "Dizzernment").  That's what I'm praying for as I study for the next 'faith test' (and yeah, the Family Feud too).  Sure I can usually come up with some answers to the questions.  But to get to the Fast Money; I mean if you really want to win the Big Money...you have to come up with the right ones.

So, what am I saying?  What am I asking?

Wish us 'discernment'!
("Good answer.  Good answer.  God answer!")

"Good answer, good answer, good answer!"

Well it's official! The weekend of August 20th, the Whittern Family will be winging their way to Orlando, Florida to film the Family Feud.  The enduring show that made such phrases as "Survey says!" and "Good answer, good answer, good answer!" part of our every day vocabulary (well it's part of MY every day vocabulary) will indelibly carve its niche into our family's history.  For the next few weeks, I will try to give you a 'behind the scenes' look at what being on the 'Family Feud' is like.  We're excited, pumped and looking forward to experiencing this as a family.

And why not?  Our family loves to play games.  We love to compete; especially against each other, but against other families...BRING IT ON.  We are not just 'more competitive than most families'...that's too cliche.  We're more competitive than YOUR family!  And no doubt, that starts with me.  I'm not fond of losing.

I can truly say alot of this began with my mom.  As you've probably picked up from previous blogs, she was a little different.  When I was quite young we would play Checkers, Monopoly, Scrabble, Clue, you name it; but unlike some mothers, my mom played to win.  She was good.  And even though you might expect her to go easy on her only child...it didn't happen.  When ever she could (which was quite often), she would beat me like a rented mule! Then to rub matronly salt (not to be confused with Mortonly Salt) in the wound, she would smile innocently, and ask, "Want to play again?"  Unfortunately, I was a pretty sore loser as a child and her glee in winning made me even more frustrated and definitely less pleasant to be around.  However, it taught me a valuable lesson.

Don't lose.

I had roommate at OBU that would routinely go down to the GC (basically the student union) and play ping pong or bumper pool with me.  He never won.  Particularly in ping pong, I would drill him over and over and over again.  It never bothered him.  I didn't get it then.  But now, as I've matured and grown as a man, as a Christian, as a human being...I still don't get it!  It's like people who want to play basketball or cards or WHATEVER and don't want to keep score.  What's the point?  In my mind, that's why I'm playing...score it, judge it, rank me; give me some results.  Allow me to compete.  Then try and stop me from winning.

That's probably why I entered so many speech tournaments in high school, as well as singing contests and songwriting competitions throughout the years...score it, judge it, rank me; give me some results. Go ahead and sit yourself in front of a TV watching a sporting event and wait and see how long before someone walks up and asks, "What's the score?"  Only the Harlem Globetrotters have made a living out of playing a game where the score doesn't matter...but their games are more like Disney On Hardwood than a basketball game, so I can't count that.

So how will we fare on Family Feud?  Well, for one thing, I don't think it's part of the make-up, at least of OUR family, to say, "Good answer, good answer, good answer!" if one of us spouts out a questionable, marginal response.  I suspect that the producers of the show tell you to do it that way.  Maybe they instruct you to be enthusiastic and show support for your fellow family members and their feeble attempts.  I'll let you know.  But around my house if someone blurts out an iffy answer, you're more likely to hear, "Are you kidding me?"  A really stupid answer may get, "What are you smokin'?" or "Is that all you got?"  We try to avoid the 'idiot' word at all costs...but it can be so apropos.  Maybe we'll be the first family to actually shout at each other, "Bad answer, dumb answer, bad answer!"  Trust me...none of our bunch are willing to live with the ridicule involved with a truly 'bad answer'...or worse yet, NO answer at all ...followed by the dreaded XXX sound effect (annoying huh?).

To that end, we've been watching and playing along with the Family Feud each day (or in truth, we'll record several episodes and play them at one sitting on the weekend).  This has been going on for several months now.  In fact, we're starting to even see reruns (of the reruns).  We'll text questions to each other out of the blue.  We'll make random phone calls to Holly in Maui ("Name a place you go for a cheap date!")  We'll play on Facebook.  We'll talk strategy (play or pass?).  We are ready!  And one thing I can assure you...it might not always be #1, but we are prepared to give an answer!

1 Peter 3
15 Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, 16 keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

Hopefully our lives demonstrate the 'hope' we have in Jesus.  When that happens, it should generate some curiosity, some interest, some questions.  I'm afraid we all should be concerned about the 'blooper video' awaiting us in Heaven for the lousy answers we've given here on earth (and maybe the lack of questions we were asked!).  And even when we've given 'good answers', if we didn't give them with kindness or 'gentleness and respect', then we don't want that video shown either!

Speaking of 'blooper videos', watch these two guys go for the "Not So Fast Money!"  Hopefully our family will do better than they did.  If not, when we return and you ask me about it, I may say, "I'm not really sure when that's going to air," and then quickly change the subject.  Or I may just not have an answer for you at all ...especially if that's what happened on the show!  More to come...

I've been so many places in my life and time...

My daughter Katie has determined that our family should be on the Family Feud. In fact, she’s been tweeting the producers of Family Feud for months and is now on a first name basis with Gaby, one of the show's Executive Producers. So, a short video and a bunch of paperwork later our family is now in the ‘active’ file for Family Feud. The show is alive and well and is now being produced and filmed at Universal Studios in Florida!  I'll update you as soon as I know 'specifics' regarding this exciting event.  I'm sure it will be 'blog worthy'!

While filling out the paperwork, we were asked this very simple question: “Tell us an interesting or unusual fact about yourself.” So while thinking about what I should write, I began to realize how blessed I’ve been to be able to do some really fun and unusual things during my life. I also discovered how many stinking contests I’ve entered (and I actually managed to win a few of them). But mostly it reminded me how fleeting accomplishments can be; not only for me, but for everyone in their "life and time", no matter HOW famous you are (or were). It only takes a few short years to change a "Who's Who" to a "Who's that?"  Nevertheless, for the record, here are some interesting events in my (not so famous) life that I vividly remember:

I remember first meeting Chad and Jeremy (who?). They were a part of the original British Invasion to America in the 60s and had several Top 40 hits. Some twenty years after their shooting star of fame had burnt out, they wound up playing the two leads in a show called Pump Boys and Dinettes here in Oklahoma City. I knew the director from some of my earlier days of theatre, told her I knew how to play bass, and wound up playing opposite of them (and learning to actually play the bass, electric and upright) for about an 8 week run in Oklahoma City and Tulsa. It was really a fun time in my life, it was a great show, and I can say that I starred in a show with Chad and Jeremy (who?).

I remember the rush of standing on stage at Joker's Comedy Club (where?) long before Last Comic Standing, trying my hand at stand-up during a big contest they had one year. I took first place that night, came back for the finals, and lost out to a guy I had beaten that first night, who had entered another weekly round and won HIS way into the finals.  Punchline to the story?  If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try, try to quit stuttering.

I remember auditioning for the producers of You Can Be A Star (what?) in Nashville. Long before shows like American Idol came into existence, the brand new network TNN (The Nashville Network) had a show called You Can Be A Star. I auditioned for it and made it onto the show. The problem: it really WAS a show for Country and Western singers; and although I can actually tackle that genre now, Elton John’s song ‘Country Comfort’ was not what the judges (or the audience) thought of as ‘country’! But at the time it was about the only 'country' song I knew (not counting Okie from Muskogee). So I lost out to some Loretta Lynne sound-a-like from the Louisiana Hayride (I knew I should’ve sung the ‘gospel song’ I had prepared for 'the finals').  Still, I can say that I sang on National TV on the show You Can Be A Star (what?).  I’m not aware of anyone from that show making it ‘big’ (including me).  It was hosted by Jim Ed Brown (who? who? who?)

I remember the dry mouth of nervousness that I had always heard about, but had never experienced until that very moment. I was in Nashville (once again), back stage at the Grand Ole Opry getting ready to walk on stage to sing ‘Cream of the Crop’ (a song I wrote that won Song of the Year from the OHA) . I had seen an ad in the newspaper (what's a newspaper?) about a Nashville Starbound Competition (once again, this was many years before ‘Idol’ appeared). On a whim, I sent them a tape, wound up going to Nashville, to the Grand Ole Opry, and out of about 120 contestants that performed over the run of the contest, I won the Grand Prize (which was a big trophy and a free recording at Dottie West studios there in Nashville). Truthfully, the rush of singing on the Grand Ole Opry stage was far better than the rush of winning first place (and Dottie West's 'studio' turned out to be less than impressive).

I remember sitting in the Green Room, getting ready to sing in front of hundreds of fellow singers/songwriters at the Loghouse (where?) at the YMCA of the Rockies (get all visions of the 'Village People' OUT of your mind). It was the late 90s, and I had gone to the Christian Artists Seminar (a really top notch Christian event always held there at the YMCA, a really beautiful resort just outside of Estes Park, Colorado).  At the last minute, I decided to enter the Southern Gospel Vocalist contest (even though the deadline for entry had passed). Since it was so last minute, my name was kind of ‘written in’ on the schedule without filling out all the paperwork or even paying the entry fee. As I was getting ready to go on stage to perform for the finals (with the other two Southern Gospel singers/finalists), Cam Floria (the founder of ‘Seminar in the Rockies’) came over to me and whispered, “We probably ought to go ahead and get the entry fee from you, in case you win this thing.” As it turned out, I did win it, and got 40 hours of free recording time at Gaither Studios in Indiana. Plus, I got to return the following year to be a 'featured performer'.  So, there I was, feeling really 'privileged' to be sitting in the Green Room, chatting it up with folks from Avalon, some famous preacher dude, and a couple of recently signed artists. All that being said, the week I spent in Alexandria, Indiana at Gaither Studios recording my 4th CD was the most memorable part of the whole ordeal.

Searching back through my mind, I can remember winning over a dozen speech tournaments, both in debate and acting, both individual and in duets; and even placing first in the state finals of Humorous Interpretation my senior year in high school.  Interestingly, one judge (from OBU) graded me down in a preliminary round, calling my piece ‘sacreligious’. Luckily I got two firsts and a second from the three judges in the final round. The very next year, I won a drama scholarship to OBU…but by then that teacher had left the school, so I couldn’t give her a piece of my mind. I remember doing dozens of Godspell performances over a two year span at OSU (I played John the Baptist/Judas, the same role I had seen Jeremy Irons play a few years before that in London). I remember being the lead singer for a darn good band during those years in college and screaming Top 40 till I was hoarse hundreds of gigs all over Oklahoma (the proms were the most fun!).  I still wince in exhaustion from doing over 150 shows at the State Fair of Oklahoma over a three year span.  I shiver when I recall doing an outdoor show with Bryan White in front of a stadium full of people in December (brrrrrr).

I remember way back where it all began...standing in front of large crowds many times while still a young boy (attending Willard Elementary School) in Ada. I was Annie’s little brother in Annie Get Your Gun; a featured soloist with the East Central State College’s production of Elijah; and I even won a talent contest at a John Haggai tent revival (I won an oil painting of myself and a really cool camera that I carted all over Europe and used until I got into college).  All of this before I ever entered Junior High. I especially remember the very first time, back there in Ada, standing in front of several hundred people waiting for my name to be announced. I slowly walked out to the center, and with the cameras rolling, I answered a couple of questions in the general direction of the mic; then grabbed my nose as the pastor lowered me in the water. THAT moment, deciding right then to let Jesus Christ be in charge of my life, has had more of an impact on my life than all the other crowds I've stood in front of since; and was certainly worth more than any trophy, any contest or any 15 minute chunk of fame. It has had and will have a longer and more lasting effect on me than any of those other ‘memories’ I have recalled here.  It is that spirit, His Spirit, that has guided me and influenced nearly every aspect of my life.

You can take the rest away, but leave me that one life changing decision...that one moment in the Son.  There is no other 'interesting or unusual' event in a life that can top that! 

Galatians 2:20
...it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

__________________________________________________________

The opening line from A Song For You by Leon Russell seemed an appropriate title for this Blog...so I used it.  All good Okies should love Okie native Leon Russell ;)

HALF MY LIFE (Part Deux)

As I look back at the half of my life spent working for the ‘phone company’ (aka: Ma Bell), I suddenly realize that I now have more seniority than anyone else with the ‘directory department’ (aka: AT&T Advertising Solutions). This wasn’t true a year ago, but one by one, retirement party by retirement party the boys and girls that were working here when I started, those same men and women have left the company (either through voluntary or forced retirement) leaving me as the old man on the block (aka: crock o’ the walk).

Each retirement party brings many of the same faces, gathering once again to talk about old times, to reminisce about the way it was and to pontificate the future (or lack thereof) for the printed Yellow Pages directory. Will it go the way of the pager? Will it go the way of the ‘land line’ (aka: DIE’L TONE)? Do kids today know what we mean by 'let your fingers do the walking'? Most of them let their fingers do the talking!

Often the topic of conversation turns to pensions as we delicately pry or flat out ask how those who have gone before us have chosen to invest. Lump sums, partial lump sums, T-Bill rates; boring discussions that have a huge bearing on quality of life once the retirement door hits you in the financius maximus. All in all, as in so many things, we all complain; but we are all grateful for what we’ve gotten (or what we hope to get).

One recent retirement party, a gentleman came up to me, introduced himself as “Joe” and started the ‘looking forward to retirement’ talk, the required ‘what is up with the stock being down?’ lament, along with the gratefully honest appreciation of the pension that lay ahead. I didn’t recognize the guy, but often those that retire started out in different departments, and often the ‘first boss’ or the BFF (Bell Former Friend) shows up to celebrate the endurance and dedication necessary to make it to the ‘final party’.

I picked up pretty quickly that Joe hadn’t retired yet and he and I spent several minutes near the punch bowl swapping stories on what we were going to do with our 401Ks. As we moved towards the cheese squares our stories about ‘how it was going to be’ got a little carried away and by the time I was lapping up the hot sauce and the guacamole I realized there was no way my ‘retirement’ was going to be nearly as glorious as Joe’s was going to be. I decided he must have been a Regional higher up or maybe even a VP of something good to have been able to sock away that much pre-tax dough for his use and pleasure once he left the ‘working world’. Being the professional fact-finder that I am, I decided to do some secondary probes and find out what good old Joe’s position with AT&T was (perhaps he could put in a good word for me).

“Joe, I started selling yellow pages back in ’83, but I’m not remembering you. Did you work for directory?”

“No,” he replied. “Never did. I’ve met a few of you off and on, though. I hope we can all hang out some after we retire. Y'all are a fun bunch!"

“Yeah, salesmen tend to be somewhat extroverted. So I guess you weren’t in sales?!?”

“Oh no. I’m not really the salesman type. But it doesn't seem to matter. AT&T has SUCH a good retirement that even if you didn't do the sales thing, you'll be able to live comfortably!”

“That's probably true,” I replied. “So what part of AT&T do you work for?”

“Oh I don’t work for AT&T! I’m self employed. I work for myself!”

I nearly dropped my finger food into the cocktail wienies. “You NEVER worked for Bell?”

“Can’t say that I have! But I’ve always had AT&T phones and AT&T long distance. Here, have you seen the new iPhone?” Sure enough, he had the latest, greatest model, a 32 GB iPhone 4.0.

“But if you’ve never worked for AT&T and you’ve never been a part of this company, why do you think you’ve got a retirement package waiting on you?”

Not the least bit deterred, he continued, “You said you sold yellow page ads. I use the AT&T Yellow Pages all the time. Now, I can’t get U-Verse where I live, but I would if I could; so that's hardly my fault! Plus, I’ve been going to several of these retirement lunches lately; always a bunch of good people just like me. In fact, I’m not so sure some of them have worked nearly as hard as I have. Why wouldn’t I be included?"

I quickly deduced that finding my employee benefits hand book probably wouldn’t do any good. But a couple of things Jesus said in Matthew suddenly seemed appropriate.

Matthew 7:21 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.”

Matthew 19:24 “And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

However, before I could quote from the hand book or the good book, Joe blurted out, "If I don't have a pension to look forward to then what's the point? I might as well die right now, go straight to heaven and skip these stupid parties!" He seemed more than a bit miffed as he whirled around and walked across the room then out the side door to join some folks who actually had quit Bell (but hadn't quit smoking) to share a Marlboro moment with them. In his haste to leave (and to light the leaves), I saw he had inadvertently knocked his name tag off and it had fallen to the ground (those things never do stick worth a darn). I picked it up and for the first time I noticed that it read: HELLO, my name is JOE C.

Oh my goodness I thought...surely his last name wasn’t CAMEL…

I was tempted to talk to him further, but as poorly as I had handled the 'pension' discussion, I figured now wasn't a good time to enter into a 'heaven' discussion (hey, he brought it up, not me).

Besides...I felt like I had basically already had one.


You're tellin' me I need to be changin' my ways.
Is that what you want me to do?
Well, the fella that lives down the street, around the corner,
   claims to be a Christian, too.
I see him in the checkout line at the supercenter,
   buyin' cigarettes and beer.
I promise you, I'm as good as that guy
   so I don't know what you're sayin' here!
Lyrics taken from GOD'S HEAVEN

HALF MY LIFE (Part One)

An interesting landmark in my life just passed and it almost went unnoticed. I started working for AT&T (Southwestern Bell Yellow Pages) when I was 27 years old (and five months to be exact).  July 3rd marked my 27 1/2 year anniversary.  That means I've been an employee of, associated with, devoted most of my waking hours to AT&T for over half my life!  More of my life has been devoted to selling yellow pages than to NOT selling yellow pages.  To quote the classic old Tennessee Ernie Ford song (that came out the year I was born), I feel like  "I owe my soul to the company store."  And maybe the saddest thing about that, is in 10 years or so, there may not be a yellow pages directory (at least in a physical form).  It will cease to exist.  It will become extinct.  Poof!  Nothing!  I've poured over half my life into...nothing!

Certainly it hasn't been fruitless (or pointless).  It's provided for my family very well.  I've learned outstanding sales and marketing skills.  I've been able to help hundreds of businesses grow.  As the company has adapted I've been forced to learn countless computer skills.  I'm highly proficient at Microsoft Excel (until the next version comes out ;).  Most memorably, I've made several life-long friends there.

But then I look at all the data I've stored in my brain that is now (or will soon be) totally useless (the data AND my brain). Information on products we no longer sell.  Systems we no longer employ.  All those countless sales presentations I had to memorize and be able to regurgitate ad nauseam that are no longer the latest and greatest way to present the product.  The devotion and dedication to being a top salesman, to developing my abilities, my knowledge of the product, and pouring myself into my job.  Not to mention all the addresses and phone numbers that are still rattling around in my head pertaining to old offices from where we've long since moved (909 S. Meridian, 205 NW 63, 879-5000, 949-...uh, I think I finally forgot that one).  So much stuff.  So much importance.  So temporal.

Fortunately, about twelve years ago I started leading worship.  First one church, then another.  Part-time positions; but the full time worship leader.  Pouring my life into other peoples' lives through music and through relationships.  It was a definite turning point in my life.  If I retire from AT&T soon (and I plan on it) and can lead worship for another fifteen years or more (and I plan on it), I can surpass the nearly three decades of work with AT&T with three decades of being a Worship Pastor.  So much stuff.  So much importance.  So eternal.

Music is nothing new to me.  I've always done it.  Singing, performing, writing.  That's been going on for over forty years.  But the devotion and dedication to being a lead worshipper, to developing my abilities, my knowledge of the music, and pouring myself into the 'job' of music didn't happen until I stepped up to be a leader.  It was all kind of a fun hobby until that time.  Until I applied myself; until I made up my mind to make it something more; until I got serious about it...only then could I call myself a worship leader.  Only then did my outward actions match my inward desires.  Only then could I fulfill that calling.

I believe God calls everyone to some level of service.  It's not always to be on a staff, and certainly not to preach or be the 'music guy'. But the calling is no less significant.  And God's expectations of you and His plans for you are just as important as any He has for me.  Put quite simply, when we look back at our lives, into what have we poured the 'majority' of our time and efforts.  Has it had any eternal significance?  If not, what are we waiting on? How long do we let the things of life get in the way of life?

Occupations change and certainly the importance of them do also.  A year ago I would have been 'king of the world' as the CEO of BP.  Now that ship has sunk in Titanic proportions (I hear now he's running for Mayor of Atlantis ;).  Looking back, did the 'do do bird' expert suddenly just become a 'do do'?  When did the telegraph operator finally 'STOP' or cry out for help ...---...?  When does an old salesman finally quit putting all his efforts and his life into a dying book and devote his days to a living book?  When do we start focusing on 'important' things instead of 'impotent' things? There's no better GIFT or TIME than the PRESENT!

"St. Peter don't you call me, 'cause I can't go..."
I've done a few things, but I need to do mo'e!

SHO SH'D SHO

I’ve got great childhood memories from the six years that my family lived in Ada, Oklahoma. We lived in a little addition on the northeast side of town on Linda Ave (I had two Aunt Lindas so I always liked that street name). Our house was just a few hundred yards from the railroad tracks. What a great place to PLAY. Countless pennies were flattened on those tracks. Pieces of coal could be readily found. It was always fun to walk down the tracks as a means to explore. The side of the ‘train track hill’ was perfect for sliding down on old cardboard boxes. Other than adjusting to the noise during the night, I highly recommend growing up near a train track.

We were also around the corner from the Catholic church. The church had a big steeple looking thing in front of it with bells that tolled on the quarter hour. Those bells could be heard throughout the neighborhood, and even though I portended to have lost track of time when I was late for dinner or bedtime, I was always keenly aware of the time of day.  Can't say that I ever stepped foot inside that little church.  Didn't have a reason to...

Just up the hill from the church was another landmark: the local Tastee Freeze. All in all it was a short bike ride away and to this day, I can barely pass a Dairy Queen without stopping (like so many things, I'll say I'm stopping 'for the kids' but when it comes to ice cream, it's pretty much all about me). Each day, the Tastee Freeze had a ‘Shake of the Day’(at a reduced price), which was pretty cool since they claimed to have FIFTY flavors of shakes! Definitely some odd and unique flavors were featured on the TF marquee. I'll never forget the day I pedaled around the corner and past the church to the Tastee Freez and saw that the flavor of the day was 'Grasshopper'. Even as a little boy, I wasn't all that into insects (some bad experiences with red ants and wasps), so I had to make a decision...go home disappointed (I only had enough money for the 'special of the day' price) screaming to Momma for more money (aka: I scream for ice cream) or go into uncharted frozen milky waters. I chose the latter, paid my two quarters and was handed a greenish-looking dairy concoction in a cup. It was summertime, it was hot, so there wasn't time to hesitate...I pretty much had to grab that straw, suck hard, and hope that I was the only one doing the sucking...and you know what...it was GOOD! I recall it having a 'spearmint' taste...kind of like a Wrigley's Spearmint Shake. Plus I found no 'legs' or 'antennae' to speak of so I was in 'non-locust heaven'. Throughout the years, shakes, sundaes and other ice cream treats taught me to enjoy a myriad of tastes and they were my first introduction to various fruits like Pineapples and Strawberries, and reinforced my love for Cherries and Bananas as well. In fact, about any fruit with ice cream is just plain 'Tastee'! Blizzards, Blends, Mixes, Freezes, name ‘em what you want, when Fruit is combined with ice cream (or CUSTARD), it’s good fruit.

In the book of Galatians, the Bible talks about fruits...both good and bad.

22…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22

The Spirit is God’s Spirit. It’s better than ice cream, sweeter than custard, and it is what should ooze out of each one of us that claim to be Christ-like. We sang a song at Kids Camp last summer that listed all the things that WEREN’T fruits of the Spirit (like Kumquats!?!). The Bible actually gives some better examples (than Kumquats) of ‘fruits’ not on the list, like: “21...hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy;”

In fact, in this passage the Bible lists the NON-fruits first; and let’s face it, those are the easiest to spot and the most obvious traits that that don’t belong in a Christian’s life. From the World's perspective it's much easier to identify WWouldn'tJD than WWouldJD even if you don't know that much about Jesus. When (and if) we in the 'church' exhibit those fruits, those characteristics, those emotions that are NOT of the Spirit, that are NOT of God, we insult God; and the intelligence of those around us. Then no matter how much religious ice cream (or Sunday S'Cool Whip) we try to heap on top, it ceases to be 'special'; it cease to be a treat. In fact it ceases to be anything ANYONE would want; it's a 'shake' with bad ingredients....like getting a 'grasshopper' shake with REAL grasshoppers. Sure it would look nice and creamy on the outside.  But that first slurp would make you run down the hill, past the 'church', around the corner and back home screaming to Momma, "those shakes are awful; they're not what they're supposed to be; I won't ever set foot in there again!" It would give new meaning to the phrase "I scream for ice cream!" and could be the 'bad shake experience' that would keep you out of the 'Tastee Freez' for a very long time.


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This BLOG shares its title with a song from my RED LETTER DAY CD that succinctly sums up my thoughts on this subject.  "It sho should show if you're a child of the Father".  Click on this link and scroll down the page until you see the Red Letter Day CD and the song titled: SHO SH'D SHO!  Enjoy!

SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON TO BLOG

I've been short all my life. I only weighed about 6 lbs when I was born and nothing much has changed. I was always the shortest guy in my class. My whole life as a young boy, my one wish, my consistent prayer was that I would get that 'growth spurt' in high school, and reach 6 feet tall (later amended to 5'10" when I realized 6 feet was completely out of the question). Needless to say, my wish...fell SHORT. Even my friends in school who were about my height seemed to slowly (but soar-ly) outgrow me and left me behind in their shadows ("How's the weather down there?") I hit the ceiling (figuratively of course) at 5'7".

I loved the disco era. I liked the music. I liked that it usually included horns and keyboards. But mostly, I liked the platform shoes that became extremely popular during that time. I regularly wore them...to market, at home, eating roast beef, etc. Everywhere my little piggies went, they were adorned in platforms. Since most pictures don't include the feet, I probably can't provide you proof or fodder so that you can poke fun at my platforms...but trust me, they were there...evening the odds...leveling the playing field...lifting my spirits.

It's always been PC (even when PC wasn't PC) to give people a hard time for being short (or tall for that matter). Of all the physical things in the world that might be a source of jokes or ridicule, height remains the one constant. I'm not sure that the 'thorn' in Paul's side wasn't his stature. "Shorty Saul" kind of has a ring to it. "Three foot Saul", or "Small Saul" could have been shouted across the Jewish playgrounds of the day. In today's modern world of cosmetic surgery, the classic childhood name calling of 'Fatso' and 'Opie' or more grown-up taunts like 'Carpenter's Dream' or 'Cue Ball' have become archaic. Even 'horse teeth' and 'hawk noses' have disappeared from the faces of young kids. You can have your body altered, your nose fixed, your teeth straightened, your face cleared up, and your cellulite removed; not to mention having your hair color changed, wearing a wig/toupee, or even having hair implanted. Girdles and gels, spanks and wonderbras to the rescue! But with the death of platform shoes, the escape from my reality vanished. Yes, I am a now model husband (a small miniature version of the real thing).

In the same way that I was born short, some folks are born large...they're big people. But I've learned throughout my life (and was reminded again just recently by my friend Keith Mohr) that you don't make fun of a person's size (OhMyGirth!!!). One of my favorite friends at the Rodeo Opry is Darlin' Darla. When she was younger, she looked like Florence Henderson (I've seen video). But since I've known her, she's been a big gal; and most of her repertoire of jokes revolves (like a planet) around her weight. It's funny. SHE'S funny. She can talk about it. She can have you in STITCHES over it. But take it from me...don't join in the frivolity. Too many folks are really sensitive about it; unless you're fat too. Then, as with most things, you can always poke fun at yourself.  Here's Darla and I being fools together; performing Guitarzan at the Rodeo Opry!

And while we're on the subject of eating (or should I say eating too much); I'm not a big fan of buffets (except for Jimmy). Too many people coughing, hacking, sneezing on, drooling in, and touching my food (same thing with potlucks). But the main thing is, I feel like I'm enabling (and financially supporting) every over-weight over-eater in this county (and their relatives from the next county) to 'all-you-can-eat' their way to a heart attack; or at a minimum to store up fat for the winter. Ever wonder why they call it a 'Corral' (albeit Golden)? It's almost cannabalistic with all the cows eating steak and the pigs eating pork chops and Bar-B-Que. I feel out of place there...everyone seems to be eyeing me wondering, "what's Shorty Small doing here?" Maybe instead of a Senior discount, they should offer a Junior Discount?  There's no way I eat enough to pay full price.  Do they give out Handicap stickers for 'hollow legs'?

I don't want to beat a dead Shetland but the media's no help in this department. Don't expect any television shows anytime soon called "The Shortest Loser" or any celebrity endorsements for Little Jenny Craig. After all, the 'Tom Cruises' of the world hide their shortness. Why do you think Tom jumps on couches? It's because it makes him six feet tall.  Why does Little Jimmy Dickens sing May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose ???  It's just a list of comebacks for all the short jokes he's heard all of his life.  There does happen to be a pic in the Muskogee Highschool yearbook where I'm standing on a chair, feeling six feet tall; long before Top Gun thought of it!

I don't think me being vertically challenged was a factor in my love for comedy (or being a smart aleck). I'm really not sensitive about it. But I do seem to notice (or take note of) others and their challenges (especially those horizontally challenged). How can you NOT notice? (Did someone say something about the elephant in the room???)  Whatever Paul's physical challenge was, he summed it up best in Philippians, when he wrote "...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content."  The long and short of it...that's a statement we should all live by!

So, the next time you see me feel free to ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" But don't be surprised if I reply, "Golden Corral called; they want some of their buffet back!"

P.S. Here's another song for you to check out...and the inspiration for this BLOG title! SHORT PEOPLE ("They wear platform shoes on their nasty little feet") (and one I listened to over and over on my EIGHT TRACK player back in the day)