I've been short all my life. I only weighed about 6 lbs when I was born and nothing much has changed. I was always the shortest guy in my class. My whole life as a young boy, my one wish, my consistent prayer was that I would get that 'growth spurt' in high school, and reach 6 feet tall (later amended to 5'10" when I realized 6 feet was completely out of the question). Needless to say, my wish...fell SHORT. Even my friends in school who were about my height seemed to slowly (but soar-ly) outgrow me and left me behind in their shadows ("How's the weather down there?") I hit the ceiling (figuratively of course) at 5'7".
I loved the disco era. I liked the music. I liked that it usually included horns and keyboards. But mostly, I liked the platform shoes that became extremely popular during that time. I regularly wore them...to market, at home, eating roast beef, etc. Everywhere my little piggies went, they were adorned in platforms. Since most pictures don't include the feet, I probably can't provide you proof or fodder so that you can poke fun at my platforms...but trust me, they were there...evening the odds...leveling the playing field...lifting my spirits.
It's always been PC (even when PC wasn't PC) to give people a hard time for being short (or tall for that matter). Of all the physical things in the world that might be a source of jokes or ridicule, height remains the one constant. I'm not sure that the 'thorn' in Paul's side wasn't his stature. "Shorty Saul" kind of has a ring to it. "Three foot Saul", or "Small Saul" could have been shouted across the Jewish playgrounds of the day. In today's modern world of cosmetic surgery, the classic childhood name calling of 'Fatso' and 'Opie' or more grown-up taunts like 'Carpenter's Dream' or 'Cue Ball' have become archaic. Even 'horse teeth' and 'hawk noses' have disappeared from the faces of young kids. You can have your body altered, your nose fixed, your teeth straightened, your face cleared up, and your cellulite removed; not to mention having your hair color changed, wearing a wig/toupee, or even having hair implanted. Girdles and gels, spanks and wonderbras to the rescue! But with the death of platform shoes, the escape from my reality vanished. Yes, I am a now model husband (a small miniature version of the real thing).
In the same way that I was born short, some folks are born large...they're big people. But I've learned throughout my life (and was reminded again just recently by my friend Keith Mohr) that you don't make fun of a person's size (OhMyGirth!!!). One of my favorite friends at the Rodeo Opry is Darlin' Darla. When she was younger, she looked like Florence Henderson (I've seen video). But since I've known her, she's been a big gal; and most of her repertoire of jokes revolves (like a planet) around her weight. It's funny. SHE'S funny. She can talk about it. She can have you in STITCHES over it. But take it from me...don't join in the frivolity. Too many folks are really sensitive about it; unless you're fat too. Then, as with most things, you can always poke fun at yourself. Here's Darla and I being fools together; performing Guitarzan at the Rodeo Opry!
And while we're on the subject of eating (or should I say eating too much); I'm not a big fan of buffets (except for Jimmy). Too many people coughing, hacking, sneezing on, drooling in, and touching my food (same thing with potlucks). But the main thing is, I feel like I'm enabling (and financially supporting) every over-weight over-eater in this county (and their relatives from the next county) to 'all-you-can-eat' their way to a heart attack; or at a minimum to store up fat for the winter. Ever wonder why they call it a 'Corral' (albeit Golden)? It's almost cannabalistic with all the cows eating steak and the pigs eating pork chops and Bar-B-Que. I feel out of place there...everyone seems to be eyeing me wondering, "what's Shorty Small doing here?" Maybe instead of a Senior discount, they should offer a Junior Discount? There's no way I eat enough to pay full price. Do they give out Handicap stickers for 'hollow legs'?
I don't want to beat a dead Shetland but the media's no help in this department. Don't expect any television shows anytime soon called "The Shortest Loser" or any celebrity endorsements for Little Jenny Craig. After all, the 'Tom Cruises' of the world hide their shortness. Why do you think Tom jumps on couches? It's because it makes him six feet tall. Why does Little Jimmy Dickens sing May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose ??? It's just a list of comebacks for all the short jokes he's heard all of his life. There does happen to be a pic in the Muskogee Highschool yearbook where I'm standing on a chair, feeling six feet tall; long before Top Gun thought of it!
I don't think me being vertically challenged was a factor in my love for comedy (or being a smart aleck). I'm really not sensitive about it. But I do seem to notice (or take note of) others and their challenges (especially those horizontally challenged). How can you NOT notice? (Did someone say something about the elephant in the room???) Whatever Paul's physical challenge was, he summed it up best in Philippians, when he wrote "...for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content." The long and short of it...that's a statement we should all live by!
So, the next time you see me feel free to ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" But don't be surprised if I reply, "Golden Corral called; they want some of their buffet back!"
P.S. Here's another song for you to check out...and the inspiration for this BLOG title! SHORT PEOPLE ("They wear platform shoes on their nasty little feet") (and one I listened to over and over on my EIGHT TRACK player back in the day)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
NO RULES - JUST WRITE
I've decided that if I could just stay off of the highway, my life (and my temperament) would improve immensely. Driving crosstown every day during rush hour traffic is a horrific way to start and end each work day. It's not that I necessarily mind bumper to bumper traffic or even a long commute. If I'm listening to some good tunes or immersed in John MacArthur I don't even notice what's going on around me...that is until that idiot beside me veers over, having waited until the last second to merge. My uncle Ricky used to read those yellow warning signs along the side of the road when a lane ends as: Murdering Traffic; and for me, it isn't far from the truth.
You see, when it comes to merging, everyone seems to have their own set of rules. And so even though you may be playing by YOUR set of rules, if it breaks MY set of rules, then of course I'm horribly livid. It's kind of like my 'roast' example...everyone thinks THEIR set of rules is the correct one. Some folks out there have one set of rules (we can call them the 'A' rules), and I have a set (that we can call the 'B' rules). For example, when two lanes merge into one lane...most of us follow the 'B' rules (as in 'B' considerate) and go ahead and get into the 'surviving lane' long before the 'merging' lane ends. Shoot, if you believe what the signs say, there's even a STATE LAW that says to do it that way! But there's always those few folks that don't feel like they should have to fall into place, and they drive as fast as they can, as long as they can, as long as their asphalt lasts and then they whip into whatever 'hole' they can find (usually right in front of me, since I usually try to leave a car length or so of bumper room between myself and 'happy tappy break feet' ahead of me).
Sometimes I will amend my 'B' rules and use the 'C' rules (let's 'C' you try that now) and park my obstinate auto in the middle of the highway when there's less than two lanes left, but more than one lane available; so that when those aforementioned 'A' drivers come flying into my rearview mirror looking for a hole to pull into, I've blocked the 'A' holes (so to speak) that they were hoping to squeeze into and force them to find a 'B' hole to merge into in front of the 'B' folks 'B'-hind me ('C' what I mean?). So whether you're talking about the 'A' holes or the 'B' holes, what it comes down to is that we pretty much 'merge' our rules to fit the 'hole' we are in and to justify how we got there.
The whole world is becoming more and more like this. We have a set of rules we're supposed to follow, but those rules have been deemed 'out of date' and not in vogue any longer (aka: not PC). So, if I'm Tiger or Jesse, Elton or Ellen or any of the other 'first name famous' people, (or even if I'm Tom, Dick or Harry met Sally for that matter) I can play by my own rules or at least have a double set of them. A prime example of this is what the Pope is dealing with right now. But it's not restricted to the Catholic priests...the politicians do it, their constituents do it, the teachers, the preachers, the folks in the bleachers, the speakers, the hearers, those guys in the mirrors ("if you want to make the world a bettuh place, take a look at yourself and make that...change!"). Everybody's doing it. But it's nothing new...ask Bathsheba (or her first husband...or her second husband).
What's just as frustrating are the ones out there that actually do have a single set of rules, but they're so busy applying the rules they see as important to everyone else, they don't notice all the ones that they're obliterating. It's the old 'get that speck out of your eye' from Matthew 7:3 that I paraphrase in one of my songs this way: "We're busy pickin' up specks of sand, meanwhile we're trippin' over piles of wood", aka: the pot calling the kettle black, the overeater calling the smoker unhealthy, the early riser calling the night owl lazy, the adulterer calling the slanderer names, the unhappy people trying to bring down the king of the Happy Meals ("Love You, Ronald"), and especially anyone who is critical of the poor Hippopotamus and any Christian not showing grace (both of the last two make you Hippo Critical).
So no doubt you're wondering (as I've been wandering), "are there merging tips in the Bible?" Well, of course! But I suggest you NOT use the King James Mergin' because "many there be which go in thereat," will just confuse you. Using the New International Mergin' (some of my Blog readers ARE overseas you know), I can actually give you a few of them. First of all, don't even attempt to merge until you Clear Your Blind Spot ("remove the plank from your own eye"). Secondly, always be on the look out for the Yellow Sign (aka: the Golden Sign - Merge Into Others As You Would Have Them Merge Into You!). And lastly, the road to Heaven is a narrow one...so as the throngs of Christians maneuver their way, there's bound to be few that cut in front of you right before you reach the narrow gate. Now before you're tempted to shout in your best King James voice, "Get thee behind me, Satan," I perhaps should remind you of a paraphrase from the New American Randym Mergin' that says: The last shall be first, and the first shall be...passed. In other words, get over...and get over it. I'll do my best to remember that tomorrow morning on my way to work.
You see, when it comes to merging, everyone seems to have their own set of rules. And so even though you may be playing by YOUR set of rules, if it breaks MY set of rules, then of course I'm horribly livid. It's kind of like my 'roast' example...everyone thinks THEIR set of rules is the correct one. Some folks out there have one set of rules (we can call them the 'A' rules), and I have a set (that we can call the 'B' rules). For example, when two lanes merge into one lane...most of us follow the 'B' rules (as in 'B' considerate) and go ahead and get into the 'surviving lane' long before the 'merging' lane ends. Shoot, if you believe what the signs say, there's even a STATE LAW that says to do it that way! But there's always those few folks that don't feel like they should have to fall into place, and they drive as fast as they can, as long as they can, as long as their asphalt lasts and then they whip into whatever 'hole' they can find (usually right in front of me, since I usually try to leave a car length or so of bumper room between myself and 'happy tappy break feet' ahead of me).
Sometimes I will amend my 'B' rules and use the 'C' rules (let's 'C' you try that now) and park my obstinate auto in the middle of the highway when there's less than two lanes left, but more than one lane available; so that when those aforementioned 'A' drivers come flying into my rearview mirror looking for a hole to pull into, I've blocked the 'A' holes (so to speak) that they were hoping to squeeze into and force them to find a 'B' hole to merge into in front of the 'B' folks 'B'-hind me ('C' what I mean?). So whether you're talking about the 'A' holes or the 'B' holes, what it comes down to is that we pretty much 'merge' our rules to fit the 'hole' we are in and to justify how we got there.
The whole world is becoming more and more like this. We have a set of rules we're supposed to follow, but those rules have been deemed 'out of date' and not in vogue any longer (aka: not PC). So, if I'm Tiger or Jesse, Elton or Ellen or any of the other 'first name famous' people, (or even if I'm Tom, Dick or Harry met Sally for that matter) I can play by my own rules or at least have a double set of them. A prime example of this is what the Pope is dealing with right now. But it's not restricted to the Catholic priests...the politicians do it, their constituents do it, the teachers, the preachers, the folks in the bleachers, the speakers, the hearers, those guys in the mirrors ("if you want to make the world a bettuh place, take a look at yourself and make that...change!"). Everybody's doing it. But it's nothing new...ask Bathsheba (or her first husband...or her second husband).
What's just as frustrating are the ones out there that actually do have a single set of rules, but they're so busy applying the rules they see as important to everyone else, they don't notice all the ones that they're obliterating. It's the old 'get that speck out of your eye' from Matthew 7:3 that I paraphrase in one of my songs this way: "We're busy pickin' up specks of sand, meanwhile we're trippin' over piles of wood", aka: the pot calling the kettle black, the overeater calling the smoker unhealthy, the early riser calling the night owl lazy, the adulterer calling the slanderer names, the unhappy people trying to bring down the king of the Happy Meals ("Love You, Ronald"), and especially anyone who is critical of the poor Hippopotamus and any Christian not showing grace (both of the last two make you Hippo Critical).
So no doubt you're wondering (as I've been wandering), "are there merging tips in the Bible?" Well, of course! But I suggest you NOT use the King James Mergin' because "many there be which go in thereat," will just confuse you. Using the New International Mergin' (some of my Blog readers ARE overseas you know), I can actually give you a few of them. First of all, don't even attempt to merge until you Clear Your Blind Spot ("remove the plank from your own eye"). Secondly, always be on the look out for the Yellow Sign (aka: the Golden Sign - Merge Into Others As You Would Have Them Merge Into You!). And lastly, the road to Heaven is a narrow one...so as the throngs of Christians maneuver their way, there's bound to be few that cut in front of you right before you reach the narrow gate. Now before you're tempted to shout in your best King James voice, "Get thee behind me, Satan," I perhaps should remind you of a paraphrase from the New American Randym Mergin' that says: The last shall be first, and the first shall be...passed. In other words, get over...and get over it. I'll do my best to remember that tomorrow morning on my way to work.
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